Swimming has always been a favorite activity for my family every since I was a child. I can remember going to the lake for the day, going to some friend's and family's homes that have pools, and playing in the creek.
I love to stay under the water for a long time and search for things and try to find hidden treasures. Several times, I have found items that others have lost. Goggles, a ring, $5 bill, paddles to boats, and many other things. I like to dive deep and catch crawfish too. However, I have a fear of drowning. I am afraid that one day I will not be able to make it back up to the top. I'm afraid that something will grab my leg or hold me under.
Life can be like this at times too. Since my family and I have recently moved to Ecuador, I have many days where I feel like something is pulling me under. It is my heart's desire to serve the Lord as faithfully as I can. But I have to admit...coming to live in this culture has been challenging to say the least.
I have great days when I'm so thankful the Lord called us to serve here. What an experience for us all right? I mean, we are getting to learn a new language, getting to see the sights and beautiful mountains, and meeting some very nice people. You would think I wouldn't have a thing in the world to complain about or be ungrateful about. But to be brutally honest...there are days when I'm ready to give up and throw in the towel. I want OUT of the water. I want out of this game. I want out of this place. There are days when I literally hate being here. I hate the fact that I am constantly on alert, making sure my children are safe, my belongings are not getting stolen, that I a safe while walking down this crazy city sidewalk. This culture is SO different from the culture that I grew up in.
I am an old, country boy from Big Cabin, Oklahoma. Many of you probably have never even heard of it. But I think several of you might have passed through it on the turnpike heading north toward Missouri or Illinois or somewhere while going through Oklahoma. But I grew up in a small community. I grew up living in the country where we had a huge back yard, horses to ride, dogs and cats, cows across the street, deer to hunt when we needed food, etc. I loved my childhood. Going from that to living in a huge city with like 3 million people, hardly any places with grass, the trees are scarce, horns always honking, concrete everywhere, and smog from all the buses. That gets old really fast.
I know, without a doubt, that the Lord has called us here. I know that many have experience the same types of issues that I am facing. We were even warned and trained for how to handle these things before we came. But I have to say, it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
So...how to I stay above the water day in and day out? How do I keep on fighting when I feel like there is nothing left to fight with. The Lord is still my Savior, but I feel like even my relationship with Him is kind of stale right now. I think this time of year with all the holidays are not helping the situation either. We've been approved to go home for the holidays, but I'm not sure that's the best thing. Maybe it would be good for us to visit family. It might make things worse. Plus, we don't have the money to go anyway. The Lord would have to provide that if we are to go. Who knows? Only He knows what's best.
I'm writing this today as an attempt to get out some of my feelings and try to get some understanding. Maybe someone out there that reads this will have some words of wisdom. Maybe someone out there will know what I'm feeling and how to help me. Maybe the Lord will send some encouragement or answers that I feel like we need.
Until then...I'll keep treading and trying to catch my breath when I can.
